Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
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You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house