I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.