“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
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My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Pretty much! 😂👀
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!