I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
From my Mom
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
bout dat hot dog summer
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen