Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
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WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.