Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
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Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013