People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.