some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.