how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
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HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My love language is hissing.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.