You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…