I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on