What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I needed a laugh this morning.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Two types of dogs.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?