“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Why are bridges so flammable.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.