I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
so much to do
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days