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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Huge, if true.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Two types of dogs.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.