*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”