I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
sensitive skin
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.