[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
You Might Also Like
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”