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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.