A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Just parrot things
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered