Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk