Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
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Many hands make light work
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child