6: is that a mosquito bite on your face?
me: no it’s a zit, you might get them when you’re a teenager
6: but why do you have one you’re old?
me: the world is a cruel, cruel place
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.