I asked my 11 yo to help me write my vacation away message, and she suggested “I AM ON VACATION SO YOUR EMAIL WILL BE DELETED”
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
*updates tinder bio*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Weighing up my bread heating options
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.