My 4 year old is mad that the hands on our clock keep moving so I guess this is the age that existential dread kicks in
You Might Also Like
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.