Parenthood kinda feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack
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JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN