If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy.
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
O Wise One….
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
britain’s three elite institutions
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.