Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops
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An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Day 2 of my diet
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.