Can鈥檛 stop laughing.. 馃槀
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an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone鈥檚 about to explain bitcoin
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Texting you back right away doesn鈥檛 make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Told the kids it鈥檚 gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[date]
HER: I鈥檓 studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny鈥檚] I鈥檓 gonna kill him.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it鈥檚 a great natural laxative
My child who doesn鈥檛 like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Sometimes I don鈥檛 delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?