Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.