dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
You Might Also Like
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Terribly Tuesday.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. Whatβs that, a button? Fine
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Husband: Howβs your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didnβt see they printed them with βLouβ instead of βLoveβ and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A cup of tea in the morning and Iβm ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, Iβll start your day too.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence itβs not polite to point
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Sorry we canβt be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Kids will be like βletβs play hide and seek!β, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho heβs only 11.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.