[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 馃槷 hampire
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
my wife鈥檚 divorce lawyer: why don鈥檛 we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I鈥檇 be really slim if it wasn鈥檛 for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother鈥檚 Day, weekends and me.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn鈥檛 a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
pal: what鈥檚 your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Such a stupid sign! Babies can鈥檛 read
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
CLERK: That鈥檒l be 95 cents.
ME: Here鈥檚 a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?