Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.