If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Snapes on a plane.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise