They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?