Finally! 😈
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Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.