Finished stitching this today 😇
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Doggies just call it style.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox