Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
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I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job