@noog

Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.

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@TFriss

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

@ColoradoUgly

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

@Shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@Home_Halfway

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

@Alex_N_Chains

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

@andyerikson

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

@ilovepie84

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

@Smooheed

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’