Ghost costume 馃槀
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*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyonc茅 is doing. I said why can鈥檛 you ask how I鈥檓 doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyonc茅.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don鈥檛 know what I did to piss her off.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I鈥檝e been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I鈥檒l leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I鈥檓 a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Parenting is cheering on your kid鈥檚 winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
You know I鈥檓 something of a chef myself
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.