girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*