Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
good work, everybody
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.