Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.