HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass