Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
you gotta be faster
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.