He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
just got my engagement photos
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Tough love is true love
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD