Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Duolingo getting serious.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]