Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn鈥檛 playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 馃And this, kids, is why we don鈥檛 talk to the police without a lawyer present 馃ぃ
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
We鈥檙e looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
鈥揇og House Hunters
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me, at the arby鈥檚 drive-thru: i didn鈥檛 hear you, can you repeat that?
arby鈥檚 cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
…u ok Nintendo?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you鈥檙e secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don鈥檛 own? Are you absolutely sure you didn鈥檛 accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.