I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.