I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head