I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” ššš¤£ FIRST OF ALL
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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds werenāt real
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. Iām very secretive
You know…for fall…
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Iām going to throw up in my catās bed and see how she likes it
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kidsā¢ļø
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet thatās the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if Iām wrong but I donāt think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: weāve had complaints that youāre stalkingā¦waitā¦these are all of me!
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have miceā¦ So if you have more than one spouse I guess youāve got spice.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so Iām hired?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when itās coming from my suitcase.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
āBecoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,ā Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didnāt have a girlfriend, heād āfor sureā date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
ā¤Missed connectionā¤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…